I got her a Nickelback box set.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
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