batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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