you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
