She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
