I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
