It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
