I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
