True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
