remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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