I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
