I cannot find my penis.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
