the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
