I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
