You can't special order awesome
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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