me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
