You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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