Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
