ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
