So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
