My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
