I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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