Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
