filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
