We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The feeling are messing with the penis
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
