Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
