I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
