Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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