I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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