I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
