I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
