Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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