Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
