I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
