she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Send help, water and tortillas.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
