Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
