He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
