I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
