If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize