Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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