Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
