You made me cry and you don't even care
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
