and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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