I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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