I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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