We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
