Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
