just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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