Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
