I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I CAN MOONWALK!
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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