There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
