Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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