He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
