Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
