I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
