She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
